My Story, part 3

When my ex-husband walked out, he left us in a serious state of poverty. In 19 years of marriage, he never provided well for his family. There were always unpaid bills, unmet needs, jobs lost and new jobs started, bill collectors’ threats. We struggled financially as much at nearly 20 years together as when we first married. When he left, I immediately wondered if, and hoped that God was giving us an opportunity to get free of poverty. I was confident that He intended to use the divorce for our ultimate benefit. “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” Genesis 50:20 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 And I had a deep desire to be responsible financially, to pay my bills and succeed in this area where I had experienced so much failure.

I thought of a friend who had gone through a divorce a couple of years before me. She didn’t homeschool, but she was a stay-at-home-mom at the time of her divorce. After several stressful months trying to make it on unreliable child support and inconsistent welfare benefits, she had to find a full-time job. I confess that, as I watched her wrestle with too little through those months before she went to work, I thought the answer was simple. Get a job. In my mind, her having to work for the first time was collateral damage, one more cost of divorce, no matter how unfortunate. I couldn’t understand why she fought that outcome for as long as she did. Yet, when I faced the same situation, I wondered if it had to be that way, if perhaps my Abba Father would do something different. At the same time, I thought I might be asking too much.

Homeschool was all my children had ever known. Entering public school for the first time under these circumstances would be a disaster. I knew with certainty that the kids needed me at home with them now more than ever. Yet I assumed I would have to work full-time. My prayers in those first devastating months were that my Father would provide a job I could work from home, or at least something with a flexible schedule to work around our family schedule. A friend provided a part-time job, which I gladly took, but it was nowhere near what I needed to support us. I took a transcription course so I could work as an internet transcriber, but I could never get my typing speed up enough to qualify. I searched jobs for something, anything, to pay the bills. And the words I received over and over again were these. “They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. . .” Isaiah 40:31 “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19 “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9 Months went by and no job came, but my bills were paid. Every one of them, every month. It slowly began to dawn on me that my Daddy, my God, was doing that new thing I had asked Him for.

I felt unworthy of such generosity. I asked, “Why me, and why not others?” I had never known anyone who had experienced the kind of miraculous provision I was experiencing. I learned that He deals with each of us as individuals, that what I needed was not what another mother in my situation might need. It took me a long time to accept that, He chose to answer my prayer not through my own self-sufficiency, but through the generosity and obedience of His body. In some ways, this is a harder answer, to walk by faith every day. In some ways it would be easier to know that I'm earning x amount of money each month, to be in control of where the money comes from and where it goes. There have been times, when I faced a large need with no money to cover it, that I had nothing to stand on but faith that He would continue to provide. He has every time, and He has continued to do so over and over for two and a half years. In this way, He is teaching me to rely on Him every single day.

“So wouldn’t food stamps and medicaid ease the financial burden on you?” I’ve been asked. It seems obvious, but in fact, maintaining qualifications for welfare programs are a different kind of burden. By the time I thought of applying, the Lord was already supplying all of our needs. Medicaid and food stamp recipients are required to report every gift they receive, regardless of the source or purpose. The total amount of gifts in a reporting period can reduce benefits, making them unpredictable from one month to the next. And if the gifts in one reporting period exceeded certain limits, I could be penalized after the fact, and required to repay benefits received during that period. Lastly, I could have been required to provide social security numbers for the gift givers. This put me in a position of having to choose between government assistance and the tremendous generosity my God was already lavishing on me. In view of God’s answer to my specific prayer request, I was unwilling to trust the welfare system for any part of our support.

Welfare is the world’s answer to poverty. I want God’s answers, not man’s. I have been on medicaid and food stamps. At the time it was entirely appropriate. We were not financially responsible, and I’m glad we didn’t burden friends and family more, with our needs for food and the kid’s medical care. I accepted government assistance as the Lord’s instruction and correction, to humble me and to make me desire financial responsibility. I believe it was God’s will then to discipline both of us, and perhaps prevent the break up of our family. But the welfare system in our nation is not God’s solution for poverty. His word is clear that if there is a brother or sister in need, it is the responsibility first of their family, and then of the church, to meet those needs. There are more specific instructions about caring for widows and orphans. We must certainly exercise wisdom in how we give, especially in cases of longstanding poverty like my own. If I put my faith or hope in man--my family, my church, my friends--to provide for us, I believe that would cut short God’s grace over my finances. So I have chosen during this period of poverty to rely wholly on Jehovah Jireh to sustain us. I am asking my Abba Father for complete victory over my finances, an end to poverty in my life and the kids'. I have no idea how God will accomplish that victory, or how long it will take. I simply submit to Him each day and follow where He leads for that day. Some days are better than others. Some days I still struggle with fears and doubts. He is with me through them all.

“I will not lose heart in doing good, for in due time I will reap if I do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:9

“I will humble myself under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt me at the proper time, casting all my anxiety on Him, because He cares for me. I will be of sober spirit, and on the alert. My adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. I will resist him, firm in my faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by my brethren who are in the world. After I have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called me to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish me. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:6-11