I'm in Need of a Barnabas

I ran into a friend Sunday whom I haven't seen in a few months. She's also a single mom. We spent a while catching up, and she shared some things her church had missed during the period following her divorce. She has boys very much in need of a man in their lives. Their dad is an alcoholic and highly inconsistent. They can't count on him for anything. Twice my friend approached her church to ask for a man or men to be there for her sons. The first time her pastor told her they would find someone, but no one ever followed up. The second time she asked, one of her boys was really struggling emotionally and behaviorally. But this time her pastor answered how sorry he was, but no one was interested or had the time!

The two of us agreed that churches tend to respond poorly to the encouragement needs of their members who are single parents. In thinking about it, I've decided it's at least partly because our society has become so complacent about divorce. It's common anymore,  laws have changed to make visitation and child support more enforceable and fair, and many families have found peaceable solutions to divorce and all that goes along with it. That makes it easy for people who've not experienced divorce to neglect the very real trial single parenthood still is for many parents.

We're in a difficult season right now, with all of us working through feelings of anger. We're getting better, but it is unbelievably hard to be the only parent carrying the emotional burdens for five people. I think my own greatest need since my ex-husband left is just for someone to encourage me. It's so easy to get caught up in day-to-day responsibilities and miss my own needs, to blame myself if something doesn't work out or if negative things happen, and to overlook the good things in our lives. And I don't realize I'm lacking until I'm very low. I need someone to point out the things I'm doing right, to hearten me to stay the course. Regularly.

Abba, You've provided for every other need we've had. I never understood how much I was lacking encouragement until I wrote this. I trust You to provide this, too. You are good, Lord!

The Lawsuit

The summer after my ex-husband left, the kids and I were at home having a normal day. I was in the shower when Mr. Monkey came to the bathroom door and said he had something for me. Never a moment's peace, not even in the shower :-) Through gritted teeth I asked if it could wait until I got out of the shower. When I got out, I discovered that a sheriff's deputy had come to the door. He asked for me and MM told him I was in the shower. The deputy asked if he was my son, and handed him papers. That's how I learned I was being sued. So did all the kids, as the boys witnessed the papers being served and told Little Miss Mom before I got out of the shower. No protecting them from this ugly truth. They were in this with me.

After a week or two of phone calls and research, I discovered that 2 years prior, my ex-husband had applied for 3 credit cards in my name, but without my knowledge or consent. One of them he had never used, and it was closed. But with the other two, he had run up thousands of dollars in debt, which he never paid. It was one of these I was being sued for. He admitted applying for 2 of them when I confronted him about it, but tried to claim that I knew what he was doing.

Over the next three months I walked through the process of defending myself against this lawsuit. The credit card company required a police report, so I dutifully called the sheriff's office. That's when I learned identity theft against a spouse is not a crime in my state. So the deputy refused to file a report. My ex-husband did sign affidavits accepting full responsibility for the debts, but that wasn't enough to satisfy the credit card company. Finally, I learned that I could request a copy of the application, which would prove I never signed it. If he had signed my name, I could easily demonstrate that it was not my signature. Or an online application with my testimony and affidavit from my ex-husband would be enough to establish my innocence. Case closed.

But credit card companies don't care if you're innocent or not. They just want their money. I didn't realize what was going on at first. I simply made my request for a copy of the application. But after weeks of excuses why they couldn't get me one, I understood that they were hoping to intimidate me into just paying. The excuses got really creative towards the end. The person responsible for tracking down the application was on vacation, ill or out of the office for 5 weeks! I never did receive a copy, but I also never agreed to pay. Just one week before the court date, the company dismissed the lawsuit.

Without the Lord, I never could have endured this experience. My natural tendency is to worry and become angry, which almost always leads to my own sin. Instead I trusted my God to protect me and defend me. It was a faith-building exercise for all of us. If I had been in control of the circumstances, the kids would never have known about the lawsuit. I wanted to protect them from the fear of what if's, and from one more reason to be angry with their father. But their Heavenly Father knew better than I what they needed and used it to teach them about His faithfulness.

Bye Bye Birdie

We finally released Indie, on a Sunday afternoon in the park. We had helped her as much as we could and she was re-injuring by herself trying to fly in the cage. After considering what was safest for her, we picked a spot where there are lots of pigeons roosting in the rocks, lots of people at various times throughout the day and the week, and few cats. The boys knew about this place and we all thought she would be safer here than anywhere else.

So she has a new home in the park, and hopefully some new friends. We still don't know if she'll ever fly again, but at least she has a chance. Perhaps the freedom and some exercise will finish the healing in that wing. And if she never does fly, she'll have few predators to deal with and easy access to food and water. Bye bye, Indie. I'm glad I let the kids save you, and I hope you are well in your new home.

Just get rid of the cat!

This story is one example out of many, of God’s miraculous intervention to show compassion to us, and to provide for our needs, in the wake of my husband leaving us. It also illustrates how God’s care for us and provision for us includes our love for our pets. Finally, I hope it explains our reluctance to give up our surviving cat. It’s not just that we love our cat, or that we’re selfishly holding on to an unnecessary attachment. When people are in great financial need, those who care for us think of solutions that from the outside seem simple. Getting rid of pets to reduce expenses is an obvious step. Unless God chooses to do something different.

In June 2007, four months after my husband left us, one of our two cats became seriously ill. I did my best to take care of him, but he grew worse over a few days. The kids were sick with worry, too. I prayed for him and encouraged the kids to pray, as well. As he worsened, his symptoms became clearer and I was able to do some internet research. I realized he had a life-threatening condition and without treatment, he was going to die very slowly and painfully. By now, it was Friday afternoon, about 4:30. The kids and I talked about it, and I tried to help them understand he was going to die. I didn’t even have money to have him put to sleep to end his suffering.

The kids asked me if there was anything I could do. I told them I would try calling some vets to see if anyone could help us. After a few calls, one office referred me to SNAP. This program occasionally assisted with vet bills. It was after 5:00 at this point, and when I called I only got voice mail. This was my last hope and it had just died. I left a message, but got off the phone and began considering how I might put my cat out of his misery myself. We were all weeping. We talked about prayer and how sometimes God’s answer is no, and how that doesn’t mean he does not love us. Within just a few minutes, however, I got a call back. I shared my dilemma with a volunteer from SNAP, and she told me she needed to make a call. Minutes later she called me with the address of a vet’s office close to us and instructions to take him there. By 6:00, he was in the care of a vet. We picked him up Monday and he was well. He would not die, and the bill had been paid in full! Praise God!

My faith was strengthened, and my children learned that sometimes God’s answer, in the face of impossible obstacles, is yes. We were wounded and devastated by my husband’s betrayal. I was doing my best to walk by faith and to teach my children how to trust Jehovah Jireh for anything and everything. I was especially concerned about the kids losing one more thing, and how this would affect their faith. The Lord saw and perfectly understood our pain and intervened on our behalf. Yet I knew from my research that this condition was likely to recur. So I prayed again for the Lord to provide both wisdom and finances to continue to care for our pets.

On the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I got up at 5am to go to work and found Mr. Monkey awake. He had heard our cat getting sick in the night and was cuddling with him. It was the same condition, and he was much sicker much faster this time. We both realized he was going to die this time and we needed to put him to sleep. After returning home from work, I sat all the kids down to talk. We wept again, but they were able to understand that sometimes the most loving thing we can do for our pets is to end their suffering. I did not force this decision on them. They had time to come to this conclusion themselves. I called a few vets to find euthanasia that I could afford. Then we loaded up our sick cat and drove to the office. Once we got there and explained our situation to the vet, she dropped the price from what the receptionist had quoted me. She allowed us time to grieve and treated us with tenderness and respect. Before we left, she shared with us that her own faith had been waning, but our story had encouraged her. We brought a Christmas ornament for everyone in her office with us. She told us that she was going to put up her Christmas tree for the first time in several years. God had not only provided the funds to pay for the care our cat needed, he also gave the kids the time they needed to prepare for the loss. Then he directed our path to a vet who was in need of some care herself. Lord, you are good and your mercy endures forever!

Often in the time since my ex-husband has been gone and since we let one of our cats go, we have sought the Lord about giving up our other cat. My children are better prepared today to accept that loss if he one day answers yes to that question. If we must say goodbye to our cat, which it looks like we’ll have to do soon, we will grieve her loss as deeply as a member of our family. She is just a cat, and what’s best for my family may no longer include her. But it breaks our hearts to say goodbye.

Update on Prayer Request

We saw a nurse practitioner on Friday, who had just a month ago attended a lecture on headache management. God knew just who we needed to see :-) She took a thorough history. She thought LMM's severe headache a week ago was a migraine (which none of us have ever had before). She confirmed what I was thinking, that this one set up severe insomnia, which triggered tension headaches all last week. Since our home remedies weren't working, she prescribed something to help LMM sleep, and advised increasing the dose of OTC pain medication for several days to break the cycle.

Thanks for your prayers. Please continue to pray for us. LMM will need to be diligent to take her own medication, and to get in bed and get up at the same time each day, as I'm not always here to remind her. I need wisdom to learn how to manage this, and how to treat migraines if they return.

Prayer Request

Please pray for LMM. She has had a headache every day for a week now. From Friday around noon to Sunday afternoon, the headache was so bad she was in bed just moaning that entire time. She could not sit up or stand without making it worse. I called our doctor and the earliest I can get her in is tomorrow afternoon. Her symptoms seem to indicate a tension headache as opposed to a migraine. I'm beginning to suspect that the headaches this week are a result of insomnia. She has struggled off and on with insomnia all her life. Earlier this summer she was having a problem with it and we were able to break the bad sleeping pattern she had developed. The severe headache last week may not be insomnia-related, but once that headache started, she slept badly, and this week has again struggled to get to sleep until after 2 or even 4 am. She just lays in bed unable to sleep for hours.

I've been using Mommy Diagnostics to address both the headaches and the insomnia. Insomnia remedies that have always worked before are not working. The thing that helped some with the severe headache was a combination of ibuprofen and ginger. Nothing really gives her much relief from the headaches this week. They seem to come on about an hour after she gets up and get better in the late afternoon or evening, regardless of what she's taking for pain, and even if she hasn't taken anything in a while. She says they don't ever fully go away. They come back in the late evening.

I want her healed! Please pray with me that the Lord will touch her body and heal her from all of this right now! I can't stand to watch her suffer and nothing I do seems to help. It's especially hard when she wakes me up at 2am, like she did this morning, to say she hasn't slept, and I don't know what to do. Ask for wisdom for me to know how to take care of her. On Sunday I fasted about it, and she got better Sunday afternoon, for the first time in 3 days. If you feel lead to join me, I will be fasting again tomorrow if she is not healed by then.

My Story, part 3

When my ex-husband walked out, he left us in a serious state of poverty. In 19 years of marriage, he never provided well for his family. There were always unpaid bills, unmet needs, jobs lost and new jobs started, bill collectors’ threats. We struggled financially as much at nearly 20 years together as when we first married. When he left, I immediately wondered if, and hoped that God was giving us an opportunity to get free of poverty. I was confident that He intended to use the divorce for our ultimate benefit. “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” Genesis 50:20 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 And I had a deep desire to be responsible financially, to pay my bills and succeed in this area where I had experienced so much failure.

I thought of a friend who had gone through a divorce a couple of years before me. She didn’t homeschool, but she was a stay-at-home-mom at the time of her divorce. After several stressful months trying to make it on unreliable child support and inconsistent welfare benefits, she had to find a full-time job. I confess that, as I watched her wrestle with too little through those months before she went to work, I thought the answer was simple. Get a job. In my mind, her having to work for the first time was collateral damage, one more cost of divorce, no matter how unfortunate. I couldn’t understand why she fought that outcome for as long as she did. Yet, when I faced the same situation, I wondered if it had to be that way, if perhaps my Abba Father would do something different. At the same time, I thought I might be asking too much.

Homeschool was all my children had ever known. Entering public school for the first time under these circumstances would be a disaster. I knew with certainty that the kids needed me at home with them now more than ever. Yet I assumed I would have to work full-time. My prayers in those first devastating months were that my Father would provide a job I could work from home, or at least something with a flexible schedule to work around our family schedule. A friend provided a part-time job, which I gladly took, but it was nowhere near what I needed to support us. I took a transcription course so I could work as an internet transcriber, but I could never get my typing speed up enough to qualify. I searched jobs for something, anything, to pay the bills. And the words I received over and over again were these. “They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. . .” Isaiah 40:31 “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19 “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9 Months went by and no job came, but my bills were paid. Every one of them, every month. It slowly began to dawn on me that my Daddy, my God, was doing that new thing I had asked Him for.

I felt unworthy of such generosity. I asked, “Why me, and why not others?” I had never known anyone who had experienced the kind of miraculous provision I was experiencing. I learned that He deals with each of us as individuals, that what I needed was not what another mother in my situation might need. It took me a long time to accept that, He chose to answer my prayer not through my own self-sufficiency, but through the generosity and obedience of His body. In some ways, this is a harder answer, to walk by faith every day. In some ways it would be easier to know that I'm earning x amount of money each month, to be in control of where the money comes from and where it goes. There have been times, when I faced a large need with no money to cover it, that I had nothing to stand on but faith that He would continue to provide. He has every time, and He has continued to do so over and over for two and a half years. In this way, He is teaching me to rely on Him every single day.

“So wouldn’t food stamps and medicaid ease the financial burden on you?” I’ve been asked. It seems obvious, but in fact, maintaining qualifications for welfare programs are a different kind of burden. By the time I thought of applying, the Lord was already supplying all of our needs. Medicaid and food stamp recipients are required to report every gift they receive, regardless of the source or purpose. The total amount of gifts in a reporting period can reduce benefits, making them unpredictable from one month to the next. And if the gifts in one reporting period exceeded certain limits, I could be penalized after the fact, and required to repay benefits received during that period. Lastly, I could have been required to provide social security numbers for the gift givers. This put me in a position of having to choose between government assistance and the tremendous generosity my God was already lavishing on me. In view of God’s answer to my specific prayer request, I was unwilling to trust the welfare system for any part of our support.

Welfare is the world’s answer to poverty. I want God’s answers, not man’s. I have been on medicaid and food stamps. At the time it was entirely appropriate. We were not financially responsible, and I’m glad we didn’t burden friends and family more, with our needs for food and the kid’s medical care. I accepted government assistance as the Lord’s instruction and correction, to humble me and to make me desire financial responsibility. I believe it was God’s will then to discipline both of us, and perhaps prevent the break up of our family. But the welfare system in our nation is not God’s solution for poverty. His word is clear that if there is a brother or sister in need, it is the responsibility first of their family, and then of the church, to meet those needs. There are more specific instructions about caring for widows and orphans. We must certainly exercise wisdom in how we give, especially in cases of longstanding poverty like my own. If I put my faith or hope in man--my family, my church, my friends--to provide for us, I believe that would cut short God’s grace over my finances. So I have chosen during this period of poverty to rely wholly on Jehovah Jireh to sustain us. I am asking my Abba Father for complete victory over my finances, an end to poverty in my life and the kids'. I have no idea how God will accomplish that victory, or how long it will take. I simply submit to Him each day and follow where He leads for that day. Some days are better than others. Some days I still struggle with fears and doubts. He is with me through them all.

“I will not lose heart in doing good, for in due time I will reap if I do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:9

“I will humble myself under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt me at the proper time, casting all my anxiety on Him, because He cares for me. I will be of sober spirit, and on the alert. My adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. I will resist him, firm in my faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by my brethren who are in the world. After I have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called me to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish me. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:6-11

Animal Adventures

Sounds like a title for a new show on Animal Planet, doesn't it? :-) No, it's just the best description of this week at our house.

We are a family that loves all kinds of animals. Through the years we have owned a variety of pets--cats, a dog, rabbits, several dozen mice (never trust a pet store clerk who tells you, "Oh yeah, we're pretty sure those two are both male."), a few fish. Currently we're down to just one cat, who is in big trouble with all of us today. And we're hosting a guest birdie. Indie is an injured mourning dove the kids are trying to nurse back to health after an encounter with a neighbor's cat. I'll tell her story first.

Monday, after helping our neighbor save her cat from the stomach upset of eating yet another bird, Mr. Monkey realized the unfortunate dove was still alive. He set her up in our tree to die in peace and asked me to come look. After watching her for a while, Little Miss Mom became convinced the dove could be saved. She, MM and 4 Eyes begged me to let them try to rescue her. We talked about the slim chance she has of making it--a broken left wing; missing bones; 3 bald, raw spots; lots of bleeding. After swearing to do whatever it takes to save her, I agreed to let them try. We did some research online, prepared a box for her to recuperate in, and cleaned her wounds. She has survived for over 2 days. If she dies now, it will be from infection, and we've done everything we can for her. The kids said at least they'll know she didn't suffer.

So after that drama 2 days ago, I woke up to my alarm this morning and wondered where Gray was. She usually very helpfully wakes me before my alarm. Two or three times. Starting two or three hours before I have to get up. She wants to make sure I don't forget to feed her before I leave for work. But not this morning. Strangely enough, I got a night of sleep uninterrupted by the cat. I figured she was stuck in another room. Nope. I realized she slipped out last night. And she didn't turn up on a quick look outside. I woke up MM and LMM. While I went to work they rounded the block looking for her, printed flyers and posted them around the neighborhood.

We all love this cat. She's about 8 years old, and she's really like one of our family. MM really grieved this morning because he knew chances of her returning weren't great. He was so depressed he decided not to go to the free movie with us. Dozer planned to stay home with him, but LMM and 4 Eyes wanted to forget for a while. As we were just about to walk out the door, guess who comes sauntering in as if she spends every night outside? This is a cat that gets scared by the sight of mice. On the rare occasion she makes it outside, she's frozen with fear of the big, bad world. She ate a very late breakfast and proceeded to take a nap like she had not just put us through gut-wrenching loss.

She got her nap, and we all made it to the free movie. The spoiled rotten little cat seems to be no worse for a night spent under the house, the guest dove is recuperating better than we expected, and the rest of us are exhausted. I cannot be held responsible for what happens to that cat if she wakes me before my alarm tomorrow. Just don't tell the kids it was me.

A Severe Mercy

I told the kids from the day after their dad left that we could not blame our own sins on anything he had done. I tried to communicate to them that we could not do anything to make his sins better, that it was just going to be a long, hard road of dealing with the consequences in our lives. At the same time, I recognized and I told them, living through the painful aftermath of someone else's sin could be a catalyst for us to repent of our own. I wanted to use the divorce as an opportunity to face my sins, to repent, to be healed from my failures, to model repentance for my kids and to seek healing for them from all of this, too. But the human heart can only take so much and God knows perfectly what we need. So we spent most of those first 2 years just dealing with the fallout of the divorce.

My blog title is the title of a book I read in college by Sheldon Vanauken. It's a beautiful but very sad love story. Mr. Vanauken talks about how God's mercy at times is severe because of our unwillingness to face sin. I am now in that difficult season of facing my sins in my marriage and in the time since. At times I am overwhelmed to the point of wondering if God has any mercy for me. I don't see how he can. But as I prayed this morning, he helped me to understand.

It's easy to look at what my ex-husband did and condemn him. But quite honestly, his sins were no worse than my own. God showed me that the only difference between us is that I am actively seeking the grace that flows from the cross to cover my sins. God's mercy for me is in making a way for me to receive forgiveness. WOW! His mercy is a priceless gift that I take for granted most of the time. He loves me so much, he is so merciful to me, that he extends forgiveness when I don't deserve it.

I understand today a little better why my ex-husband ran away. Facing sin and repenting of it is hot, dirty, ugly, emotionally draining and physically exhausting work. It is mercy, but it is severe at times. So severe that it can seem easier to run away from it all. But the fact that I can repent and receive forgiveness is the whole point of the cross. And so yes, even though I don't feel like God should have any mercy on me, he does.

Pray for me as I wrestle with this, and for my children as we walk through the consequences of my sins, as well as their father's.

For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. Romans 5:6-11

Boring Days

Before my ex-husband left, I worked very hard to be at home more than we were in town. It started out as a practical matter. Very often we only had one car. Going to town meant I had to load up the kids to take their dad to work early in the morning. But as I got used to going to town only once or twice a week, I grew to really appreciate my days at home. Days in town were long, usually rushed, and stressful. Days at home were relaxed and happy. The kids called them boring. Silly children!

I really miss my days at home. Since I work now, 5 days a week I have somewhere to go, even if it's only for a short time. I love my job, but it changes the dynamic of our days. The kids have to get up and start their days on their own. And days when we have other things to do around town, it can get downright exhausting. Like yesterday, for example.

I was up at 5 and got to work at 6. On my way home, the van broke down. I walked home, jumped in the shower, and walked to a neighbor's house to get help with the van. He worked on it but couldn't get it running quickly, so he said we could come back to it in the afternoon. The kids and I rushed to a free movie in a borrowed car to celebrate 4 Eyes' birthday, then to the park for a picnic lunch and ice cream. I dropped the kids off at home to clean up the house, picked up a distributor cap and my neighbor, and went back to the van. He got it running, so I went home for a few minutes and checked on the kids' chores. I left to gas up the van, then came home to eat dinner and get another shower. (I was hot and sweaty all day!) The boys had time with a man from church and LMM had a mommy's helper job, so I had a few minutes to myself. I cleaned up the kitchen, searched for and downloaded a song that had been playing in my head all day. I jumped in the shower again, and left about 8 to gas up my friend's car and go to work. Almost there, I had to turn around because I forgot my work keys. After work I drove two hours to pick up my friend at the airport in her car. I got home at 3 am.

That's an extreme example, but days like that make me understand the value of boring days.

All Things Freely Given

I am always amazed at my Abba's remarkable generosity with me. My husband was never a good provider, so when he left our needs were great. They still are. But the Lord's generosity shouldn't surprise me at all. He gave his son for me, my family's earthly needs are meager in comparison, no matter how daunting they seem to me.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? (Romans 8:31-32)

Wow! He loves me this much. He wants me to trust him as our source, as the provision for literally every need. So this post, which will be another permanent link on the left, will record praise for every need listed in Current Needs as he answers them.

ALL THINGS FREELY GIVEN

1. Settlement paid off on June 5, 2009 through God's generous body of believers!!!--Please pray for God's intervention on my behalf in a lawsuit in which I'm a defendant. It involves debt that my husband incurred about 6 months before he left. Ask for God to work this situation out for our best, and for peace for me to walk through it. If the bank won't accept a settlement, I'll be in court on May 20th.

2. Taken care of by one of God's faithful--2009/2010 school books--I have not yet planned our curriculum for the upcoming year, but I do have an idea of some things we will need.

3. Taken care of by a dear friend, May 2009--The kids need a few clothes to get them through the summer. We shop thrift stores and the boys have been asking for us to make a trip to Unclaimed Baggage for a couple of months, but I haven't had the money to justify the trip. I've picked up an item here and there, but not all of what they need.

4. June 3, 2009--I didn't even have a chance to post this need. While the kids were sick with the flu, our refrigerator did. I was desperate and had no idea what to do! I called a friend who might know where I could find a free one. Another friend had given her money to pass on to me, and she just hadn't transferred the funds yet. God met the need days before I knew I had one. Hallelujah! You are awesome, God, and your timing is always perfect!

Why can't I get the flu?!

We have a family joke about Mr. Monkey, that his bones are made of rubber. He's been trying to break bones ever since he was a year old. He started on his injury-seeking career by diving out of a grocery cart, landing on his head, and bouncing off the floor. I figured he would have a concussion, or a least a serious knot on his head. Nope, you could barely see where he hit his head. Since then he's attempted everything from rolling four rain barrels over himself to flying headfirst off his bike and landing on his face. Not one broken bone. The latest bone breaking attempt was kicking a tree at our church. He couldn't break his little toe, but at least he managed to dislocate it!

Apparently his immune system is as indestructible as his bones are. Dozer, 4 Eyes and LMM all came down with the flu this week. High fever, chills, aches, headache and cough. They've been miserable, and so has Mr. Monkey. Not because he's sick, but because he never seems to get whatever the rest of them have. Instead, he has the pleasure of taking on extra chores when someone else is ill. So when they're puny, he's wishing he was. No matter how lousy the rest of them feel, he thinks he'd rather be suffering with them than waiting on them. No amount of agony on the part of his siblings can convince him that he's better off. 

Poor guy. I kind of see his perspective. I can't help but feel just a tiny bit sorry for the extra load he's had to carry this week. Not sorry enough to reduce his chores, mind you, but it's the thought that counts. 

Guest Blogger: 4 Eyes

Hi, I'm 4 Eyes. I'm going to talk about my clay creations. 

I got started building clay creatures in fall 2006, when Dozer did a report on dragons with our homeschool group. He made a clay model of a dragon with Sculpey clay. He had some left over, and so he let me play with it. I liked the feel with my hands, and how you can make your own creatures. I liked it alot and so I asked my mom if I can get some. Once I did, I started building creatures immediately. I built for like a year. 

Then one day Mr. Monkey and me started building some creatures. We started giving them some shops and we put stuff in them. We called it Tiny Town. We kept on building and so we took it to our Family Day at our homeschool group. In December 2008 me and my brother started making clay-mations and posting it online. Our friends and family like them. This year I'm making another one, a clay strip mall this time. 

I thought about it and thought about a new strip mall where we live. While you're walking down it, there's people playing live music and you see lots of fountains. That's what I put in mine. There's a movie theater at the end. I made a movie theater at the end of mine. Here's a picture of a stage with a creature playing a guitar and a water fountain on the left.

Introductions

I have chosen for privacy reasons not to use our names on this blog. So introductions are in order, to give you an idea who I'm referring to. In comments, I am Still Standin'

Child #1, my oldest son: Dozer, a nickname from summer camp

Child #2, my daughter: Little Miss Mom

Child #3, second son: Mr. Monkey

Child #4, third son: 4 Eyes

Wish List

It is so humbling to walk by faith and not by sight financially. It makes you think very hard about how you spend your money. I have always struggled over paying my bills, and am naturally inclined to be very legalistic about it. "If money's tight (and our money was always tight), then we just can't do anything fun, we can't spend a dime on anything that's not absolutely necessary." When her dad left and we had lived for a few months with God's provision, my daughter commented that she felt free to hope again, to want things and have some hope that she might enjoy some of them, that wanting things was not a sin. God showed me that my own attitude had been sinful reliance on myself rather than on Him, and that I had taught that to my children, as well. I am learning to trust Him for everything, which includes those things we want but don't really need. So I will use this post to share some of our wants with those of you who read my blog. It will be a permanent link on the left side of the blog.

1. We recently moved into an historic area of town and are loving where we live. While walking through downtown last week we found a book about growing up in this area of town that we would all love to read. It's called Days Gone By, by Jay Curtis Lovvorn. 

Current Needs

I'm sure this post will evolve as I see what God is doing with it, but for now I will list needs which are pressing, those things which have been a matter of prayer for some time and for which I still don't have a way to pay, as well as prayer requests regarding our non-financial needs. It will be permanently linked on the left side of the blog.

PRAYER REQUESTS

1. The boys are desperately in need of men to come alongside them and disciple them. They want to do guy things without me, and they need to see Godly men just living life, making right choices. They don't know what that looks like. They would like to learn how to repair bikes, lawn mowers and such. They want to go fishing and camping. Mr. Monkey would really like to learn how to build quality small furniture pieces and other woodworking projects. UPDATE: God answered this post shortly after I put it up. A man at my new church approached me about discipling the boys, and they have been regularly meeting with him and studying God's word. He also has helped us get through some difficult days the kids have had recently. He and his wife are both praying for us, and I know God used him to answer this prayer.

2. My van developed a problem over the winter that I hoped would improve in warmer weather, but instead it's getting worse. The oil pressure light keeps coming on at random times, but the oil level is fine every time I've checked and it's not burning oil. A friend suggested a while back that it could be a bad sensor. It's getting to the point that when the light comes on the engine loses power. It's now dying on me sometimes when this happens. I need wisdom to know what to do about it. UPDATE: God has provided enough for me to start looking for a van to replace our old one. I really need wisdom to find a reliable vehicle. The one I'm driving right now only lasted a year. I don't want to have a similar experience this time around. Lord, you stretched the loaves and fishes, please stretch my funds to get us a reliable van that will last for many miles and at least a few years. 2ND UPDATE: I was able to replace the van, but I still need prayers for our transportation. I look forward to the day when I am able to buy something newer than what I can afford now.

3. The kids and I are going through the stage of anger in working through our grief right now. We are all in need of healing from the divorce and its aftermath. Please pray that the Lord would enable us to learn what we need to learn and finish this stage as quickly as possible. And pray for wisdom for me meet each of the kids' needs through this stage (and take care of myself, too), and for those who counsel us, as well.

FINANCIAL NEEDS

1. Dental care--all of us are in need of dental care. Ask if you care for more details. UPDATE: The kids now have dental insurance, as well as vision and health insurance. Praise God!

2. Mr. Monkey has been able to play football this year and 4 Eyes has been the team's water boy. The team they play with is starting up a basketball team when football ends. Both boys would like to play. I know there are fees associated with being on the team. The coach never told me how MM's football fees were covered, but I don't want to assume anything for basketball. So if you would like to contribute to them playing basketball, we would all be ever so grateful.

3. A ministry called Gleaning the Harvest has accepted us as one of the families they represent. If you are not familiar with this ministry, please visit their website. If you would like to contribute regularly to us, or to any other family on their website, it would be a huge blessing.

Year 3

In the first year after my husband leaving we lived from one crisis to the next. My goal for that year was very simply to get the divorce. It took 3 agreements and 10 months, but it was done just before Christmas. God provided everything we needed during this time. We had professional counseling, I had friends to confide in, and a prayer partner. A friend even gave me the money to pay for the divorce. The next year seemed to start off the same way, with each crisis being centered around visitation. Then in February he stopped seeing the kids for visitation and in March he moved out of state. The goal for that year changed to finding a home in town and moving. None of us had the emotional energy to deal with anything else. Again, God took care of us, from setting the kids free of their dad's unreasonable expectations to orchestrating and providing for our move. 

This year, I've determined, is about making a new life. Since we moved, the kids have begun to act out more. It's like they held their emotions in for the last two years and are finally in a place where they can let it all out. It's really been stressing me out. I tell the kids all the time, "There's four of you and just one of me." In the moment I'm likely to get angry and yell at them. But I need to remember that this is an opportunity. It's a chance to examine ourselves, to find those areas where we need to repent, where we need to get rid of bad habits and develop healthy ones, where we need to relearn how to relate to each other. The kids acting out just exposes their areas of sin, and mine. So my goal for this year is for us to work on repentance and relationships. Typing that sentence for this blog sounds so nice and neat. The reality is much more ugly. I have to work on that.

Faith is an action verb

If you look up the word "faith" in any dictionary, the definition centers around belief, but it's always defined as a noun. After hearing Rita Springer's song  I Have to Believe, I think we're missing something in those definitions. She emphasizes that faith is an action we must take. Over and over again, she declares, "I have to. . . ." She portrays faith as a series of compelling actions--believe, worship, declare, deny, stand, grab, sing. 

When I thought of my faith as a noun, as a belief in God and His word, I didn't have much of it. It wasn't until I began to actively believe God could, and would, move mountains that I noticed I had more faith in Him to accomplish His work in my life. This song reminds me that I need to actively practice faith. 

I have to believe

That He sees my darkness

I have to believe

He knows my pain

I have to lift up

My hands to worship

Worship His name

I have to declare

That He is my refuge

I have to deny

That I am alone

I have to lift up

My eyes to the mountain

It's where my help comes from

Oh yeah

He said that He's forever faithful

He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall

When the wind blows me over

I have to stand strong

When I'm weak and afraid

I have to grab hold

Ahold of the garments

The garments of praise

I know, I know, I know

Cause He said that He's forever faithful

And He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

I have to sing praise

When the hour is midnight

He unlocks these chains

That bind up my soul

My sin and my shame

He has forgiven and made me whole

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Cause He said that He's forever faithful

And He said that He's forever true

He said that He can move mountains

He said that He can move mountains

He said that He can move mountains

If He can move mountains

He can move my mountain

He can move your mountain, too

I have to believe

I have to believe

He's got everything under control

I have to believe

Lord, I believe

Help my unbelief

I have to believe in You

I have to believe

My story

I love Rita Springer's music. For a while I wanted one of her CDs, but never could get one. Then, in 2007 my kids plotted to get me one for my birthday. It was a really great day. a Friday. We woke up to light snow on the ground, enough for the kids to play in, but with lots of grass sticking through. Then a friend called to say she was in labor. Guess what, kids? It's a snow day! They played in the snow while their dad worked at home and I went off to the birth. My friend had complications and I ended up staying overnight to help her out. 

I walked in the door to my house almost exactly 24 hours after I left. The kids all met me with silly grins on their faces. Music was playing on my computer, not an uncommon occurrence in my home. One of my boys was sitting at my desk, and after just a few seconds they couldn't contain themselves anymore. "What song is that, Mama?" I don't even remember who asked me or what song it was, but I knew it was Rita Springer. "Happy Birthday!" they all shouted. They had gotten their dad's help to download her CD Created To Worship from iTunes. Can I say I have great kids?

I spent the rest of the weekend playing that CD over and over again. I love the whole album but one song in particular struck me right away, Phenomenon. My church was hosting a special guest who was leading prophetic services on Saturday and Sunday. The whole song resonated with me because, while I wanted to hear a word from the Lord, I wanted to have a right attitude about prophecy and manifestations of the Holy Spirit. Here's just a couple of stanzas.

I am not here just to see a phenomenon

I am not here for experiential bliss

I simply come to the feet of the God I serve

The one that I love …

I am not here for the sake of a miracle

I am not here just to see the dead raised

Yes, I believe in power supernatural

But that's not why I'm saved

The Lord did speak to me that weekend but I didn't quite understand at the time what He was saying. On Monday afternoon, though, I got it. My husband came home from one job on his way to the other (he almost always worked more than one job in 19 years of marriage, and still we couldn't make it) and confessed to getting a woman from work pregnant. My immediate response was not anger, which would have been normal for me. I said very calmly and completely unlike me, "I'll have to pray and see what God wants me to do." God knew just what I needed at the time and He worked it all out. What really amazes me is how He was preparing me for the blow before I knew it was coming. He spoke to me through our special guest that weekend, and He motivated my kids to give me a Rita Springer CD for my birthday. She got me through the next year of my life. 

My God Is Able!

Everyone assumes that when a man leaves his family, his wife will have to go to work, even if she never worked before. Many assume that she'll have to rely on government programs. But when it happened to me, I asked God if it really had to be that way. I asked if He could do something different that would allow me to stay with my children, who needed my physical presence more than ever. I asked Him if it was possible to live through a divorce and come out on the other side more financially sound that when I started the journey. I asked Him if His church could care for us in such a way that we would not need food stamps or Medicaid. My God, my Abba Father, did just that, not in the way I thought He would but so much more generously. I have been very careful not to speak of my needs to any but a few trusted friends. I wanted to be certain that any provision I received came from God and that I was not in any way manipulating people or playing on their sympathy.

I need to explain a bit about what God brought me through over the past 2+ years. I knew when I first prayed that I was asking a lot of God. In fact, I really thought I was asking too much. When I asked Him to allow me to stay home with the kids, I honestly expected to have to work full time, and I very badly wanted to be responsible for my bills. I knew, too, that any child support would not last long. So I focused my prayers on a job that I could work from home or work around our schedule. Within 2 weeks of my husband leaving I began a part-time cleaning job that I still have. And month after month, God took care of our needs, sometimes from friends who knew of specific needs, but often through friends who said simply that the Lord told them to give, and sometimes through anonymous sources. I watched the months progress and was amazed that I was able to pay my bills every month, even working only part-time. God was obviously answering my prayer in a powerful way, but not with the job I kept expecting Him to give me.

A good friend encouraged me to meditate in scriptures that related to my trials. So I would recite Psalm 34. "Young lions do lack and suffer hunger, but those who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing." Or Philippians 4:19. "And my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." God very clearly wanted me to see that He is a God who keeps His promises. In spite of His great love and miraculous provision, I struggled through this time, wondering every month if there would be money to pay this bill or that one, and wondering when He would provide a job so I could pay my own bills. As time went on I slowly began to understand that the Lord wanted me to trust Him, rather than my own efforts, to provide for us. Every step of the way He was teaching me something new about His faithfulness, His absolute trustworthiness, His extravagant love for me.

So here I am today. I have finally submitted myself to "walk by faith and not by sight," specifically as it applies to our needs. As I have done so He has begun to provide more work for me, and has also freed me to be more open about our needs. If the Lord leads you to bless us in some way, you may find two posts on the side bar helpful. Current Needs is where I will list needs for which I don't currently have any way to pay. Wish List is where you will find items that aren't needs but which would bless one of us, or all of us. I intend both of these to be a place to list items only after I’ve prayed about making them public.

Now to Him who is ABLE to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Eph. 3:20-21) AMEN!

Different Stuff

I have been wanting for some time now to share what God has done and continues to do for me and my children since my husband left more than two years ago. I think the thing that has surprised me most about how it is all playing out is my God's extravagant love for me. It has taken me this long to come to a place in my head where I am starting to accept that He loves me so much. So, to kick off this blog, I want to share the lyrics of a beautiful song that has been healing for me. The blog title is a line from Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser. You can watch the video and hear the song here.

Walking, stumbling

On these shadowfeet

Toward home, a land that I've never seen

I am changing

Less and less asleep

Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along

Fast approaching is the day

[Chorus]

When the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standin'

When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you

There's distraction

Buzzing in my head

Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay

But I've heard rumours

Of true reality

Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standin'

When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you

You make all things new

You make all things new

You make all things new

You make all things

You make all things

When the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standin'

When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you

When the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standin'

Every fear and accusation under my feet

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you