I'm in Need of a Barnabas

I ran into a friend Sunday whom I haven't seen in a few months. She's also a single mom. We spent a while catching up, and she shared some things her church had missed during the period following her divorce. She has boys very much in need of a man in their lives. Their dad is an alcoholic and highly inconsistent. They can't count on him for anything. Twice my friend approached her church to ask for a man or men to be there for her sons. The first time her pastor told her they would find someone, but no one ever followed up. The second time she asked, one of her boys was really struggling emotionally and behaviorally. But this time her pastor answered how sorry he was, but no one was interested or had the time!

The two of us agreed that churches tend to respond poorly to the encouragement needs of their members who are single parents. In thinking about it, I've decided it's at least partly because our society has become so complacent about divorce. It's common anymore,  laws have changed to make visitation and child support more enforceable and fair, and many families have found peaceable solutions to divorce and all that goes along with it. That makes it easy for people who've not experienced divorce to neglect the very real trial single parenthood still is for many parents.

We're in a difficult season right now, with all of us working through feelings of anger. We're getting better, but it is unbelievably hard to be the only parent carrying the emotional burdens for five people. I think my own greatest need since my ex-husband left is just for someone to encourage me. It's so easy to get caught up in day-to-day responsibilities and miss my own needs, to blame myself if something doesn't work out or if negative things happen, and to overlook the good things in our lives. And I don't realize I'm lacking until I'm very low. I need someone to point out the things I'm doing right, to hearten me to stay the course. Regularly.

Abba, You've provided for every other need we've had. I never understood how much I was lacking encouragement until I wrote this. I trust You to provide this, too. You are good, Lord!

The Lawsuit

The summer after my ex-husband left, the kids and I were at home having a normal day. I was in the shower when Mr. Monkey came to the bathroom door and said he had something for me. Never a moment's peace, not even in the shower :-) Through gritted teeth I asked if it could wait until I got out of the shower. When I got out, I discovered that a sheriff's deputy had come to the door. He asked for me and MM told him I was in the shower. The deputy asked if he was my son, and handed him papers. That's how I learned I was being sued. So did all the kids, as the boys witnessed the papers being served and told Little Miss Mom before I got out of the shower. No protecting them from this ugly truth. They were in this with me.

After a week or two of phone calls and research, I discovered that 2 years prior, my ex-husband had applied for 3 credit cards in my name, but without my knowledge or consent. One of them he had never used, and it was closed. But with the other two, he had run up thousands of dollars in debt, which he never paid. It was one of these I was being sued for. He admitted applying for 2 of them when I confronted him about it, but tried to claim that I knew what he was doing.

Over the next three months I walked through the process of defending myself against this lawsuit. The credit card company required a police report, so I dutifully called the sheriff's office. That's when I learned identity theft against a spouse is not a crime in my state. So the deputy refused to file a report. My ex-husband did sign affidavits accepting full responsibility for the debts, but that wasn't enough to satisfy the credit card company. Finally, I learned that I could request a copy of the application, which would prove I never signed it. If he had signed my name, I could easily demonstrate that it was not my signature. Or an online application with my testimony and affidavit from my ex-husband would be enough to establish my innocence. Case closed.

But credit card companies don't care if you're innocent or not. They just want their money. I didn't realize what was going on at first. I simply made my request for a copy of the application. But after weeks of excuses why they couldn't get me one, I understood that they were hoping to intimidate me into just paying. The excuses got really creative towards the end. The person responsible for tracking down the application was on vacation, ill or out of the office for 5 weeks! I never did receive a copy, but I also never agreed to pay. Just one week before the court date, the company dismissed the lawsuit.

Without the Lord, I never could have endured this experience. My natural tendency is to worry and become angry, which almost always leads to my own sin. Instead I trusted my God to protect me and defend me. It was a faith-building exercise for all of us. If I had been in control of the circumstances, the kids would never have known about the lawsuit. I wanted to protect them from the fear of what if's, and from one more reason to be angry with their father. But their Heavenly Father knew better than I what they needed and used it to teach them about His faithfulness.

Bye Bye Birdie

We finally released Indie, on a Sunday afternoon in the park. We had helped her as much as we could and she was re-injuring by herself trying to fly in the cage. After considering what was safest for her, we picked a spot where there are lots of pigeons roosting in the rocks, lots of people at various times throughout the day and the week, and few cats. The boys knew about this place and we all thought she would be safer here than anywhere else.

So she has a new home in the park, and hopefully some new friends. We still don't know if she'll ever fly again, but at least she has a chance. Perhaps the freedom and some exercise will finish the healing in that wing. And if she never does fly, she'll have few predators to deal with and easy access to food and water. Bye bye, Indie. I'm glad I let the kids save you, and I hope you are well in your new home.

Just get rid of the cat!

This story is one example out of many, of God’s miraculous intervention to show compassion to us, and to provide for our needs, in the wake of my husband leaving us. It also illustrates how God’s care for us and provision for us includes our love for our pets. Finally, I hope it explains our reluctance to give up our surviving cat. It’s not just that we love our cat, or that we’re selfishly holding on to an unnecessary attachment. When people are in great financial need, those who care for us think of solutions that from the outside seem simple. Getting rid of pets to reduce expenses is an obvious step. Unless God chooses to do something different.

In June 2007, four months after my husband left us, one of our two cats became seriously ill. I did my best to take care of him, but he grew worse over a few days. The kids were sick with worry, too. I prayed for him and encouraged the kids to pray, as well. As he worsened, his symptoms became clearer and I was able to do some internet research. I realized he had a life-threatening condition and without treatment, he was going to die very slowly and painfully. By now, it was Friday afternoon, about 4:30. The kids and I talked about it, and I tried to help them understand he was going to die. I didn’t even have money to have him put to sleep to end his suffering.

The kids asked me if there was anything I could do. I told them I would try calling some vets to see if anyone could help us. After a few calls, one office referred me to SNAP. This program occasionally assisted with vet bills. It was after 5:00 at this point, and when I called I only got voice mail. This was my last hope and it had just died. I left a message, but got off the phone and began considering how I might put my cat out of his misery myself. We were all weeping. We talked about prayer and how sometimes God’s answer is no, and how that doesn’t mean he does not love us. Within just a few minutes, however, I got a call back. I shared my dilemma with a volunteer from SNAP, and she told me she needed to make a call. Minutes later she called me with the address of a vet’s office close to us and instructions to take him there. By 6:00, he was in the care of a vet. We picked him up Monday and he was well. He would not die, and the bill had been paid in full! Praise God!

My faith was strengthened, and my children learned that sometimes God’s answer, in the face of impossible obstacles, is yes. We were wounded and devastated by my husband’s betrayal. I was doing my best to walk by faith and to teach my children how to trust Jehovah Jireh for anything and everything. I was especially concerned about the kids losing one more thing, and how this would affect their faith. The Lord saw and perfectly understood our pain and intervened on our behalf. Yet I knew from my research that this condition was likely to recur. So I prayed again for the Lord to provide both wisdom and finances to continue to care for our pets.

On the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I got up at 5am to go to work and found Mr. Monkey awake. He had heard our cat getting sick in the night and was cuddling with him. It was the same condition, and he was much sicker much faster this time. We both realized he was going to die this time and we needed to put him to sleep. After returning home from work, I sat all the kids down to talk. We wept again, but they were able to understand that sometimes the most loving thing we can do for our pets is to end their suffering. I did not force this decision on them. They had time to come to this conclusion themselves. I called a few vets to find euthanasia that I could afford. Then we loaded up our sick cat and drove to the office. Once we got there and explained our situation to the vet, she dropped the price from what the receptionist had quoted me. She allowed us time to grieve and treated us with tenderness and respect. Before we left, she shared with us that her own faith had been waning, but our story had encouraged her. We brought a Christmas ornament for everyone in her office with us. She told us that she was going to put up her Christmas tree for the first time in several years. God had not only provided the funds to pay for the care our cat needed, he also gave the kids the time they needed to prepare for the loss. Then he directed our path to a vet who was in need of some care herself. Lord, you are good and your mercy endures forever!

Often in the time since my ex-husband has been gone and since we let one of our cats go, we have sought the Lord about giving up our other cat. My children are better prepared today to accept that loss if he one day answers yes to that question. If we must say goodbye to our cat, which it looks like we’ll have to do soon, we will grieve her loss as deeply as a member of our family. She is just a cat, and what’s best for my family may no longer include her. But it breaks our hearts to say goodbye.

Update on Prayer Request

We saw a nurse practitioner on Friday, who had just a month ago attended a lecture on headache management. God knew just who we needed to see :-) She took a thorough history. She thought LMM's severe headache a week ago was a migraine (which none of us have ever had before). She confirmed what I was thinking, that this one set up severe insomnia, which triggered tension headaches all last week. Since our home remedies weren't working, she prescribed something to help LMM sleep, and advised increasing the dose of OTC pain medication for several days to break the cycle.

Thanks for your prayers. Please continue to pray for us. LMM will need to be diligent to take her own medication, and to get in bed and get up at the same time each day, as I'm not always here to remind her. I need wisdom to learn how to manage this, and how to treat migraines if they return.

Prayer Request

Please pray for LMM. She has had a headache every day for a week now. From Friday around noon to Sunday afternoon, the headache was so bad she was in bed just moaning that entire time. She could not sit up or stand without making it worse. I called our doctor and the earliest I can get her in is tomorrow afternoon. Her symptoms seem to indicate a tension headache as opposed to a migraine. I'm beginning to suspect that the headaches this week are a result of insomnia. She has struggled off and on with insomnia all her life. Earlier this summer she was having a problem with it and we were able to break the bad sleeping pattern she had developed. The severe headache last week may not be insomnia-related, but once that headache started, she slept badly, and this week has again struggled to get to sleep until after 2 or even 4 am. She just lays in bed unable to sleep for hours.

I've been using Mommy Diagnostics to address both the headaches and the insomnia. Insomnia remedies that have always worked before are not working. The thing that helped some with the severe headache was a combination of ibuprofen and ginger. Nothing really gives her much relief from the headaches this week. They seem to come on about an hour after she gets up and get better in the late afternoon or evening, regardless of what she's taking for pain, and even if she hasn't taken anything in a while. She says they don't ever fully go away. They come back in the late evening.

I want her healed! Please pray with me that the Lord will touch her body and heal her from all of this right now! I can't stand to watch her suffer and nothing I do seems to help. It's especially hard when she wakes me up at 2am, like she did this morning, to say she hasn't slept, and I don't know what to do. Ask for wisdom for me to know how to take care of her. On Sunday I fasted about it, and she got better Sunday afternoon, for the first time in 3 days. If you feel lead to join me, I will be fasting again tomorrow if she is not healed by then.

My Story, part 3

When my ex-husband walked out, he left us in a serious state of poverty. In 19 years of marriage, he never provided well for his family. There were always unpaid bills, unmet needs, jobs lost and new jobs started, bill collectors’ threats. We struggled financially as much at nearly 20 years together as when we first married. When he left, I immediately wondered if, and hoped that God was giving us an opportunity to get free of poverty. I was confident that He intended to use the divorce for our ultimate benefit. “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” Genesis 50:20 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 And I had a deep desire to be responsible financially, to pay my bills and succeed in this area where I had experienced so much failure.

I thought of a friend who had gone through a divorce a couple of years before me. She didn’t homeschool, but she was a stay-at-home-mom at the time of her divorce. After several stressful months trying to make it on unreliable child support and inconsistent welfare benefits, she had to find a full-time job. I confess that, as I watched her wrestle with too little through those months before she went to work, I thought the answer was simple. Get a job. In my mind, her having to work for the first time was collateral damage, one more cost of divorce, no matter how unfortunate. I couldn’t understand why she fought that outcome for as long as she did. Yet, when I faced the same situation, I wondered if it had to be that way, if perhaps my Abba Father would do something different. At the same time, I thought I might be asking too much.

Homeschool was all my children had ever known. Entering public school for the first time under these circumstances would be a disaster. I knew with certainty that the kids needed me at home with them now more than ever. Yet I assumed I would have to work full-time. My prayers in those first devastating months were that my Father would provide a job I could work from home, or at least something with a flexible schedule to work around our family schedule. A friend provided a part-time job, which I gladly took, but it was nowhere near what I needed to support us. I took a transcription course so I could work as an internet transcriber, but I could never get my typing speed up enough to qualify. I searched jobs for something, anything, to pay the bills. And the words I received over and over again were these. “They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. . .” Isaiah 40:31 “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19 “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9 Months went by and no job came, but my bills were paid. Every one of them, every month. It slowly began to dawn on me that my Daddy, my God, was doing that new thing I had asked Him for.

I felt unworthy of such generosity. I asked, “Why me, and why not others?” I had never known anyone who had experienced the kind of miraculous provision I was experiencing. I learned that He deals with each of us as individuals, that what I needed was not what another mother in my situation might need. It took me a long time to accept that, He chose to answer my prayer not through my own self-sufficiency, but through the generosity and obedience of His body. In some ways, this is a harder answer, to walk by faith every day. In some ways it would be easier to know that I'm earning x amount of money each month, to be in control of where the money comes from and where it goes. There have been times, when I faced a large need with no money to cover it, that I had nothing to stand on but faith that He would continue to provide. He has every time, and He has continued to do so over and over for two and a half years. In this way, He is teaching me to rely on Him every single day.

“So wouldn’t food stamps and medicaid ease the financial burden on you?” I’ve been asked. It seems obvious, but in fact, maintaining qualifications for welfare programs are a different kind of burden. By the time I thought of applying, the Lord was already supplying all of our needs. Medicaid and food stamp recipients are required to report every gift they receive, regardless of the source or purpose. The total amount of gifts in a reporting period can reduce benefits, making them unpredictable from one month to the next. And if the gifts in one reporting period exceeded certain limits, I could be penalized after the fact, and required to repay benefits received during that period. Lastly, I could have been required to provide social security numbers for the gift givers. This put me in a position of having to choose between government assistance and the tremendous generosity my God was already lavishing on me. In view of God’s answer to my specific prayer request, I was unwilling to trust the welfare system for any part of our support.

Welfare is the world’s answer to poverty. I want God’s answers, not man’s. I have been on medicaid and food stamps. At the time it was entirely appropriate. We were not financially responsible, and I’m glad we didn’t burden friends and family more, with our needs for food and the kid’s medical care. I accepted government assistance as the Lord’s instruction and correction, to humble me and to make me desire financial responsibility. I believe it was God’s will then to discipline both of us, and perhaps prevent the break up of our family. But the welfare system in our nation is not God’s solution for poverty. His word is clear that if there is a brother or sister in need, it is the responsibility first of their family, and then of the church, to meet those needs. There are more specific instructions about caring for widows and orphans. We must certainly exercise wisdom in how we give, especially in cases of longstanding poverty like my own. If I put my faith or hope in man--my family, my church, my friends--to provide for us, I believe that would cut short God’s grace over my finances. So I have chosen during this period of poverty to rely wholly on Jehovah Jireh to sustain us. I am asking my Abba Father for complete victory over my finances, an end to poverty in my life and the kids'. I have no idea how God will accomplish that victory, or how long it will take. I simply submit to Him each day and follow where He leads for that day. Some days are better than others. Some days I still struggle with fears and doubts. He is with me through them all.

“I will not lose heart in doing good, for in due time I will reap if I do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:9

“I will humble myself under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt me at the proper time, casting all my anxiety on Him, because He cares for me. I will be of sober spirit, and on the alert. My adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. I will resist him, firm in my faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by my brethren who are in the world. After I have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called me to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish me. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:6-11

Animal Adventures

Sounds like a title for a new show on Animal Planet, doesn't it? :-) No, it's just the best description of this week at our house.

We are a family that loves all kinds of animals. Through the years we have owned a variety of pets--cats, a dog, rabbits, several dozen mice (never trust a pet store clerk who tells you, "Oh yeah, we're pretty sure those two are both male."), a few fish. Currently we're down to just one cat, who is in big trouble with all of us today. And we're hosting a guest birdie. Indie is an injured mourning dove the kids are trying to nurse back to health after an encounter with a neighbor's cat. I'll tell her story first.

Monday, after helping our neighbor save her cat from the stomach upset of eating yet another bird, Mr. Monkey realized the unfortunate dove was still alive. He set her up in our tree to die in peace and asked me to come look. After watching her for a while, Little Miss Mom became convinced the dove could be saved. She, MM and 4 Eyes begged me to let them try to rescue her. We talked about the slim chance she has of making it--a broken left wing; missing bones; 3 bald, raw spots; lots of bleeding. After swearing to do whatever it takes to save her, I agreed to let them try. We did some research online, prepared a box for her to recuperate in, and cleaned her wounds. She has survived for over 2 days. If she dies now, it will be from infection, and we've done everything we can for her. The kids said at least they'll know she didn't suffer.

So after that drama 2 days ago, I woke up to my alarm this morning and wondered where Gray was. She usually very helpfully wakes me before my alarm. Two or three times. Starting two or three hours before I have to get up. She wants to make sure I don't forget to feed her before I leave for work. But not this morning. Strangely enough, I got a night of sleep uninterrupted by the cat. I figured she was stuck in another room. Nope. I realized she slipped out last night. And she didn't turn up on a quick look outside. I woke up MM and LMM. While I went to work they rounded the block looking for her, printed flyers and posted them around the neighborhood.

We all love this cat. She's about 8 years old, and she's really like one of our family. MM really grieved this morning because he knew chances of her returning weren't great. He was so depressed he decided not to go to the free movie with us. Dozer planned to stay home with him, but LMM and 4 Eyes wanted to forget for a while. As we were just about to walk out the door, guess who comes sauntering in as if she spends every night outside? This is a cat that gets scared by the sight of mice. On the rare occasion she makes it outside, she's frozen with fear of the big, bad world. She ate a very late breakfast and proceeded to take a nap like she had not just put us through gut-wrenching loss.

She got her nap, and we all made it to the free movie. The spoiled rotten little cat seems to be no worse for a night spent under the house, the guest dove is recuperating better than we expected, and the rest of us are exhausted. I cannot be held responsible for what happens to that cat if she wakes me before my alarm tomorrow. Just don't tell the kids it was me.

A Severe Mercy

I told the kids from the day after their dad left that we could not blame our own sins on anything he had done. I tried to communicate to them that we could not do anything to make his sins better, that it was just going to be a long, hard road of dealing with the consequences in our lives. At the same time, I recognized and I told them, living through the painful aftermath of someone else's sin could be a catalyst for us to repent of our own. I wanted to use the divorce as an opportunity to face my sins, to repent, to be healed from my failures, to model repentance for my kids and to seek healing for them from all of this, too. But the human heart can only take so much and God knows perfectly what we need. So we spent most of those first 2 years just dealing with the fallout of the divorce.

My blog title is the title of a book I read in college by Sheldon Vanauken. It's a beautiful but very sad love story. Mr. Vanauken talks about how God's mercy at times is severe because of our unwillingness to face sin. I am now in that difficult season of facing my sins in my marriage and in the time since. At times I am overwhelmed to the point of wondering if God has any mercy for me. I don't see how he can. But as I prayed this morning, he helped me to understand.

It's easy to look at what my ex-husband did and condemn him. But quite honestly, his sins were no worse than my own. God showed me that the only difference between us is that I am actively seeking the grace that flows from the cross to cover my sins. God's mercy for me is in making a way for me to receive forgiveness. WOW! His mercy is a priceless gift that I take for granted most of the time. He loves me so much, he is so merciful to me, that he extends forgiveness when I don't deserve it.

I understand today a little better why my ex-husband ran away. Facing sin and repenting of it is hot, dirty, ugly, emotionally draining and physically exhausting work. It is mercy, but it is severe at times. So severe that it can seem easier to run away from it all. But the fact that I can repent and receive forgiveness is the whole point of the cross. And so yes, even though I don't feel like God should have any mercy on me, he does.

Pray for me as I wrestle with this, and for my children as we walk through the consequences of my sins, as well as their father's.

For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. Romans 5:6-11

Boring Days

Before my ex-husband left, I worked very hard to be at home more than we were in town. It started out as a practical matter. Very often we only had one car. Going to town meant I had to load up the kids to take their dad to work early in the morning. But as I got used to going to town only once or twice a week, I grew to really appreciate my days at home. Days in town were long, usually rushed, and stressful. Days at home were relaxed and happy. The kids called them boring. Silly children!

I really miss my days at home. Since I work now, 5 days a week I have somewhere to go, even if it's only for a short time. I love my job, but it changes the dynamic of our days. The kids have to get up and start their days on their own. And days when we have other things to do around town, it can get downright exhausting. Like yesterday, for example.

I was up at 5 and got to work at 6. On my way home, the van broke down. I walked home, jumped in the shower, and walked to a neighbor's house to get help with the van. He worked on it but couldn't get it running quickly, so he said we could come back to it in the afternoon. The kids and I rushed to a free movie in a borrowed car to celebrate 4 Eyes' birthday, then to the park for a picnic lunch and ice cream. I dropped the kids off at home to clean up the house, picked up a distributor cap and my neighbor, and went back to the van. He got it running, so I went home for a few minutes and checked on the kids' chores. I left to gas up the van, then came home to eat dinner and get another shower. (I was hot and sweaty all day!) The boys had time with a man from church and LMM had a mommy's helper job, so I had a few minutes to myself. I cleaned up the kitchen, searched for and downloaded a song that had been playing in my head all day. I jumped in the shower again, and left about 8 to gas up my friend's car and go to work. Almost there, I had to turn around because I forgot my work keys. After work I drove two hours to pick up my friend at the airport in her car. I got home at 3 am.

That's an extreme example, but days like that make me understand the value of boring days.