A Severe Mercy

I told the kids from the day after their dad left that we could not blame our own sins on anything he had done. I tried to communicate to them that we could not do anything to make his sins better, that it was just going to be a long, hard road of dealing with the consequences in our lives. At the same time, I recognized and I told them, living through the painful aftermath of someone else's sin could be a catalyst for us to repent of our own. I wanted to use the divorce as an opportunity to face my sins, to repent, to be healed from my failures, to model repentance for my kids and to seek healing for them from all of this, too. But the human heart can only take so much and God knows perfectly what we need. So we spent most of those first 2 years just dealing with the fallout of the divorce.

My blog title is the title of a book I read in college by Sheldon Vanauken. It's a beautiful but very sad love story. Mr. Vanauken talks about how God's mercy at times is severe because of our unwillingness to face sin. I am now in that difficult season of facing my sins in my marriage and in the time since. At times I am overwhelmed to the point of wondering if God has any mercy for me. I don't see how he can. But as I prayed this morning, he helped me to understand.

It's easy to look at what my ex-husband did and condemn him. But quite honestly, his sins were no worse than my own. God showed me that the only difference between us is that I am actively seeking the grace that flows from the cross to cover my sins. God's mercy for me is in making a way for me to receive forgiveness. WOW! His mercy is a priceless gift that I take for granted most of the time. He loves me so much, he is so merciful to me, that he extends forgiveness when I don't deserve it.

I understand today a little better why my ex-husband ran away. Facing sin and repenting of it is hot, dirty, ugly, emotionally draining and physically exhausting work. It is mercy, but it is severe at times. So severe that it can seem easier to run away from it all. But the fact that I can repent and receive forgiveness is the whole point of the cross. And so yes, even though I don't feel like God should have any mercy on me, he does.

Pray for me as I wrestle with this, and for my children as we walk through the consequences of my sins, as well as their father's.

For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. Romans 5:6-11